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Monday, September 05, 2005

Who needs a good beating?

Our writers went to the lab to scientifically uncover the 50 people most in need of a vicious beating. We aren’t talking about a run-of-the-mill beat down. We are talking about an “I’m gonna call a couple of hard, pipe hittin’ niggas to come down here and work on the homes with a pair of pliers and blow torch” kind of beating. We are talking about the kind of battery that leaves you thankful just to be alive—an Alberto Gonzales-approved-enemy-combatant-bring-you-back-from-the-dead-with-a-defibrillator-and-
then-beat-you-some-more kind of working over—the kind of shit that leaves you with a lazy eye and lisp. We are thinking some Jack Bauer “24” shit, but without the dramatic Sean Callery score.

And when you have finished the list, who else needs a good beating?